


Jogan Oneshots

by aceofhearts88



Category: Dalton Academy Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-13
Updated: 2014-11-13
Packaged: 2018-02-25 05:44:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 19,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2610599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofhearts88/pseuds/aceofhearts88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This will be the series where I will add all my Jogan Oneshots</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Words I couldn't Say

Words I Couldn't Say  
They don't get together in High School, because life is a not a fairytale, and their story does not yet end in happy endings and sappy songs.  
They don't even finish school in the same Academy, or city, or state, because life is not perfect, not full of miracles and fulfilled wishes.  
When the summer is over, weeks of dreamy peace and happiness, Julian returns to Dalton and Logan flies home to New York.  
But then, their story only really began.  
In the months they spent apart in different states, connected only through phone calls and messages over the internet, Logan takes a lot of time to look back on the past three years, and he remembers all the moments that could have changed everything.

Julian and him had talked for hours and days while he had visited him in his house in Los Angeles over the summer, and they hadn't shied away from the heavy stuff, they had known that if they ever wanted a chance to move on from the fire and the confession, they needed to be brutally honest with each other from now on.

In a book- in a box- in the closet

“...I had the concert tickets stored in that book for weeks, I was waiting to find the courage to ask you, but Anderson came around before I was ready. It's something I really regret, to have given them up for you to take him instead of me...”

In a line- in a song I once heard

“When I heard you sing with Kurt that day in the choir room, I was convinced that something had broken inside of me, because you sounded so perfect, you were so moved and taken by the moment and I could see right there in front of my eyes that it wasn't because of me.”

In a moment on a front porch late one June

“There was one evening in sophomore year I think, the rain had been pouring since morning and we had been studying for hours again, when you suddenly disappeared. We were convinced you had just stepped out to get some new coffee, but when you didn't return fifteen minutes later, D asked me to look for you. He was sure you had fallen asleep. You weren't in your room though, and Bailey told me that you had gone outside when I asked him if he had seen you. I hurried down to the front door because it was freezing outside, but there you stood. In the middle of the front porch, drenched from head to toe, with your face turned into the rain, eyes closed. It was the first moment I had seen you truly happy, and if things hadn't been so fucked up already, it could have been the moment for me.”

In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon

“There was a moment in Spain, in the summer before Junior Year, we were on the beach late that night, D was off with some girl, so it was just the two of us. We were looking at the stars, and you were already half asleep when you asked me if I had ever seen something so beautiful. I hesitated for a moment, but then answered 'your eyes', but when I turned around you had fallen asleep.”

And all the memories stir something up in him, they awaken something that had rested for so long, that has always been pushed back with all force, because he couldn't let himself go there, he had lost too much already.

In the weeks of summer, it had been so easy, so tempting to think about it, to imagine it, to dream about, and oh did he dream about it, he had spent so many nights bolting awake from very explicit dreams, hoping and praying that his choked gasps wouldn't alarm Derek and especially not Julian.

There it was at the tip of my fingers

“You've got some...”  
“What?”, Julian hurriedly wanted to know, staring at Logan with widened eyes, and Logan hesitated, slowly lifting a finger to wipe the chocolate from the corner of Julian's mouth, but the actor was quicker and realized what had happened. The back of his hand wiped over his mouth quickly, “Oh god, thanks, wouldn't want to paparazzi to catch me looking like a child.”, and he smiled and passed by Logan on his way out of the cafe, while the blond was left behind, staring at his raised hand and wondering why he felt cheated of a unique chance.

There it was on the tip of my tongue

“I don't know what I am feeling, not yet.”, Logan had whispered to the sleeping actor as he lay on the deckchair one afternoon, Derek gone out to fetch something to eat for them, “I need more time to figure this out. Everything is so confusing right now, I need more time, but... I care for you, you mean so much to me, more than even a best friend should.”

There you were and I had never been that far

“Talk to him.”, Logan huffed and continued to ignore Derek in his attempt to drive the shopping cart around his best friend, but Derek wouldn't have it, he grabbed onto his arm and held onto him even as Logan glared at him, “He is right there, Logan. You spent more time in his room at night then in your own bed. I can see you looking at him. Talk. To. Him.”, each of those last three words punctuated with a punch to his chest, “He is right there, don't let him get away again.”, and with that he had turned around and slipped into the next aisle, leaving Logan to stare at his feet, Julian might have been right there, but Logan had never felt so far away from both of them.

There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms

“This is horrible, don't make me watch.”, and Derek started laughing at the young actor's pathetic protests and whines as he quickly pushed his hands over his face and turned to his head in Logan's shoulder, curling his body against his in the process, pure instincts let Logan push his arms around him.  
“You gave me free reign over movie choices.”, Derek laughed, throwing some popcorn their way.  
“My mother just took her clothes off, I hate you!”, Julian mumbled from behind his hands and Logan's shirt, prompting Derek to only laugh louder and to turn the volume of the TV up, while Logan was staring at the top of oak brown hair, wondering why it felt so undeniably good and right to have him in his arms.

And I let it all slip away

“I'm not going to go back to Dalton.”, he is standing in the middle of Julian's living room, his phone still clutched in his hands, with his friends staring at him as though he had just declared himself king of the world.  
“What?”, it was Derek who caught himself first, while Julian was still only blinking, “Why?”  
“I can't. I can't go back.”, and just like in the conversation with his father three days ago, his voice quickly turns hysterical again and his heart speeds up, “I cannot go back, because when I think about it... think about Dalton I start thinking about Harvey, about everything that went wrong, about everything that I did to you, and it hurts.... and I can't breathe...”, he was choking on thin air, the panic letting his hands shake again, and it wasn't until Julian silently walked over to him and pulled him into his arms that Logan became aware of the tears on his face, “I can't go back to Dalton.”  
“It's okay, Lo.”, Julian whispered to him, while Logan dropped his head onto his shoulder and cried, “I understand, it's okay.”, but for a long time that night, Logan would wonder why it felt not okay.

Senior Year had started for him at a new school, with new people and old faces from a time long past, and Logan had quickly realized that he was truly alone, that this place wasn't Dalton, that here everyone fought their wars against each other and alone, and friendship would be hard to find.

He spent most of his days studying, even though the lessons bored him to death most of the time and were only a vague shadow of the expectations that had been on him in Dalton. He helped Michelle with charity galas, helped his father with speeches and boring paperwork, he took up martial arts again, but nothing, nothing was able to fill the void in his heart he felt whenever he looked at the picture on his desk.

Nothing was able to stop the tears from falling whenever a call with Julian ended in the night.  
Nothing was able to give him back a chance to take just one moment back in the last summer to take Julian to the side and just tell him that he had never felt like this before, but it was too late.

What do I do now that you're gone  
No back up plan no second chance  
And no one else to blame  
All I can hear in the silence that remains  
Are the words I couldn't say

There are no physical wounds left to hurt him, but there is enough emotional pain left for him to last a lifetime, Julian knows that he had never truly had the chance to be a child, but the fire had left him unable to do anything but grow up beyond his years.

He had returned to Dalton for his last year of high school, fully intend to heal, to let the last distant shadows of paranoia and nightmares fall away from him in the only place he had ever dared to call home, only... without Logan it didn't feel like home anymore.

They had spent a great summer together with Derek, had been able to talk about almost everything again, no more walls between them, no more hesitation, and sometimes it had felt just like in freshman year, before everything had gone to hell. But still, they had only managed to talk once about the confession in the fire, and Julian knew much had been left unsaid.

There's a rain that will never stop falling

“Shh. Shh.”, but he doesn't hear Logan's words at first, just clings onto him in the fear that still holds onto him, with his face pressed into the crook of the other boy's neck, with his tears soaking Logan's shirt, “Hey, hey, it's okay. I'm here, I'm okay.”, but Julian couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop seeing the knife from his dreams at Logan's throat, couldn't stop seeing the life drain from green eyes, “You and I, we're both okay.”

But when he still hasn't calmed down after some minutes, Logan climbs into bed with him, lays down by his side and holds him for hours until he has fallen asleep again, and when they wake up the next morning, Julian never finds the chance to say how much he had needed him.

There's a wall that I tried to take down

“I love you.”, he whispers in the dead of night, sitting on the edge of the boy he still couldn't stop thinking about, but Logan is asleep, has been for hours, he doesn't hear him and it's the only time that Julian lets his thoughts go there, “I love you. I still love you so much, but I am weak. I tried to be brave, but there is so much to lose. And I can't lose you, not yet, not ever, you are too important for me.”

What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips

“Tell him.”, Derek is relentless in his tries to get them into a room alone together, and Julian knows his best friend is just a small edge away from locking them in the broom closet for a night, “You have to talk to him. Don't you see how much this is killing both of you!”  
“I know, I will.”, but that night, after Derek had gone to bed and he had found Logan sitting on the patio with his green eyes staring at the ocean, he had felt all his courage drain away again, because they were so happy, and he didn't want to mess it up, so he had remained silent.

So I held back and now we've come to this

“We need a fourth member for this group and I nominate someone straight.”, upon hearing Derek's muttered words in a much frustrated voice, Julian and Logan turned to look at him, where he was sitting in between them on the beach. It was Logan who furrowed his brows.  
“What?”

“You know I really love the both of you, and that I don't care about my friend's sexualities, but if I see another girl turn their back on me because the both of you are too busy staring at the lifeguards, I am going to throw you out of this parasol.”, Logan had blushed while Julian had dropped his coke over Derek's head, not showing how much he was embarrassed herself, but he only stared at them and wondered why they brought nothing forth inside of him anymore.

And it's too late now

He cries when they leave, when all bags are packed up again and he has returned from the airport, he falls to his knees in the middle of the kitchen and cries. So many things he could have done, so many things he had wanted to tell him, so many things to say, and too many lost chances.

“I love you.”, he would whisper at the white tiles, “I love you, Logan. I love you, and I don't know how to do this without you.”

But he had decided to let Logan leave. 

A week later, Julian had returned to Dalton, had looked on as the Stuarts had voted Derek their new prefect, had looked on as his friend had explained to the other houses that Logan was not coming back.

And he had seen the looks Kurt and Reed had shot him, while he had stood silent and unmoved during at all, but in the first weeks he had felt too detached to show anything other than coldness.

He threw himself into schoolwork, surprised everyone with his dedication to essays and papers, even joined the drama club in order to keep his acting up after deciding to push every offer from Hollywood away for a year... or at least until he felt whole again.

But it didn't help in stopping the tears after every conversation with Logan on the phone ends in a silent goodbye. It didn't help in wishing to turn back time and have a chance to show Logan that nothing had changed with his feelings, to take a chance and kiss him whenever they had been close enough over the summer.

What do I do now that you're gone  
No back up plan no second chance  
And no one else to blame  
All I can hear in the silence that remains  
Are the words I couldn't say

The big fight comes some months after they move in together in an apartment in New York, as friends, Logan has a college life to start and Julian a new show to shoot for the next years in the city that never sleeps.

Later none of them would know how it had started or who had screamed first, all that would remain were words that had cut deeper than any knife ever could.

“You never gave me an answer! You never showed that you cared at all to give me any sign that it might be more than friendship for you!”, Julian's hands were trembling with his fury, across the living room Logan didn't look any better, skin already red in his anger.

“I was protecting you!”, he yelled, making Julian snort, “I didn't want to have you think that it would be pity, because it wouldn't have been. I was waiting, I am still waiting...”

“For what?”, Julian screamed back at him, “Waiting for what? For someone else to come around to see if you could get out of this pathetic game? To have someone take you away so you wouldn't have to stay with me any longer? You pity me, you pity me for everything that happened. I see it every single time the nightmares let me bolt awake at night, I see it in your eyes!”

“ I don't pity you!”, Logan yelled, frustrations taking over, “I needed to be sure that you are okay again, that you would believe my words when I finally come to you, but then you never even showed me a sign that you still wanted this. You were so content with us being friends that I stopped believing you still...”, Logan stopped, the sudden choking feeling in his throat made it unable to breathe for him for a second, Julian stared at him with hardened brown eyes.

“That I still what?”, he demanded to know, and Logan looked up at him, all anger drained from him and in that moment he looked so weak and defeated that Julian felt ice being dripped down his back.

“I love you, Julian.”, and Julian froze, “I love you, you are everything for me, but...sometimes I start believing that you don't feel that way for me anymore... Do you? Or do you still love me, too?”

And Julian had run, he hadn't even blinked before he had turned around and bolted from the apartment into the night, leaving Logan behind to fall onto his knees with the tears streaming down his face.

What do I do now that you're gone  
No back up plan no second chance  
And no one else to blame  
All I can hear in the silence that remains  
Are the words I couldn't say 

The doorbell rings just some minutes after midnight, and he doesn't know how he moves to the front door or how he brings up the strength to open the door, there is still nothing left inside of him, but somehow he does.

The rain is still pouring down relentlessly and the cold quickly catches him, sets the hair on his neck in alert, but when he spots the person shivering in the freezing rain it's all forgotten. Drenched. Trembling. With tears running down cheeks.

“I'm sorry.”, a voice croaks through heartbreaking sobs, “I'm sorry. I was an idiot, I was stupid. You were always the one for me, there never could be someone else, and yes, yes. I still love you. Of course I still love you.”

For a second he just stares.

But when that second was over, Logan pulled Julian to his chest, ignored the water soaking into his own clothes, just pulled the smaller boy to his chest and held him, and Julian melted against his skin and cried.

“I'll always love you.”


	2. Bless the Broken Road

Bless The Broken Road

“Long day, hm?”, Logan looked up as Julian's voice chuckled in his ear and he turned his head slightly to look into sepia ones as his husband came to sit next to him, where he had retreated a little to the back of the party.  
“Mmh. Out like a stone.”, he agreed with his unsaid words and looked down at his sister's beautifully braided blond hair, from where she had curled up in his lap, one hand holding onto his shirt, head resting against his shoulder, Lily was deep asleep already, even though the music still played, even though laughter was still ringing around the room.  
“She had a really important moment today. Have you seen your father's face?”, Julian wanted to know and Logan nodded, leaning down to rest his head gently against his sister's smaller one, “For a second I was convinced he would really cry.”, fingers curled through Logan's, on the hand that wasn't used to hold Lily to his chest.  
“Where is he?”, he asked, letting his eyes quickly look around the ballroom, “I haven't seen him in some time.”, Julian nodded to the right where the door to the main corridor and the rest of the house stood open.  
“I saw him slip away with your grandfather maybe half an hour ago. Seemed relaxed, and they were laughing over a glass of Scotch. Do you think it could be a good time to tell him?”, Julian asked him, smiling at him when Logan's eyes came to rest on him again, reaching up with his free hand to pat the place on Logan's jacket, where they had kept their secret for the entire day already.  
Logan smiled and nodded, he was right, there wasn't a better time than now, “Come on, seeing as Michelle is having so much fun right now.”, and both of them looked over to where the still young blond woman was laughing with some of her friends, “I'll take Lily up and get her ready for bed, and you can look for your father.”  
“Don't you want to be with me?”, Logan frowned at him, but already loosened his hold on his sister as Julian reached out to take her. Julian leaned over to kiss him, and then grinned at him, and Logan could once again see the blinding happiness radiating from him as Julian went to talk once more, “Take this moment alone with your Dad, Lo, you went a long way with him. Take this moment alone with him.”, and then he watched Julian standing up and walking over to where Michelle was sitting with her friends, Lily in his arms, and he would lean down to whisper in Michelle's ear.  
Michelle smiled up at his husband, placed a quick kiss to her daughter's head and then Julian slipped from the room, and Logan was left thinking back on this day and this evening, and how beautiful it had all been. John's and Michelle's vow renewal.  
On his father's personal request, he had sung a song after the official ceremony was over and they had relaxed into the celebration party. His grandfather had still been in the middle of his speech when Logan had kissed Julian and then took his glass and went over to the piano in the corner of the ballroom in his father's house.  
And when the people had clapped for his grandfather, John had found him standing next to the small bench and he had smiled, Michelle beaming at his side, Julian with Lily pursed on his hip behind them, as Logan began to speak.  
“My father came to me some days ago, asking me to play and sing something and this day, and as much as I love him, I could have really hit him back then, because there was barely any time to prepare.”, the people laughed and Michelle pushed a hand against John's chest, Logan placed his glass on the piano top and sat down behind the keys, “But I think I still found something good, so Dad, Michelle, this is for you.”, and his voice began to sing as his fingers started to play.  
I set out on a narrow way many years ago  
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road  
But I got lost a time or two  
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through  
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

And while his voice rang out over the ballroom, Logan thought back to the first time his father had brought Michelle home to meet him, and how even in all his anger towards his father he had been able to see how much John loved this bubble woman. She had been his light, his heart, his soul right from the beginning, and Logan had come to love her as the closest thing to a mother he could ever have.

She still was the same bubbly young woman with endless love and comfort to give than she had been back then, but now, she was not only his father's wife and his sister's mother, she was also one of his closest friends, and he loved her, and couldn't imagine a life without her anymore.

Especially because he knew that John wouldn't see it as a life worth living anymore, without his eternal sunshine.

Every long lost dream led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars  
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms  
This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you

Upon shortly looking up, Logan found Julian's shining eyes across the room and his lips curled into a smile without him having any control over it. He still couldn't believe some days that this perfect beautiful human being wanted to be his, that just over two years ago it had been them speaking their vows to each other under a canopy of white flowers.

And now they were keeping their own special little secret.

They had come so far, had been through so much in their young life without never losing hope. It had come close so many times, but in the end, they had found each other, and had only gotten stronger.

I think about the years I spent just passing through  
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you  
But you just smile and take my hand  
You've been there you understand  
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true.

And he thought back to his father and how far they had come in the last years, how much they had worked in fixing what had gone wrong between them, and how long it had taken for both of them to see that they still needed each other more than they had previously thought.

He remembered the weeks after the fire, the months without Julian around them, the nights filled with nightmares and panic attacks. He remembered days filled with nothing but staring at empty tables, hours filled with listening to teachers without hearing their voices.

And he remembered the day his father had called and apologized, the day Logan had broken down completely, had cried and screamed, because he couldn't be there for Julian, couldn't stop Derek from working himself thin and thinner. And his father had done the right thing, he had listened, listened for hours until Logan's voice had been hoarse, until his throat had hurt from all his sobs, and he had been curled up on his bed.

And John had said these words, “You're my son and I love you, and I could never be prouder of someone than I am of you. You are stronger than anyone believes you to be. And I know you will find the strength to get through this, because you are not alone. Because I am here now, because I will help you now.”

Every long lost dream led me to where you are  
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars  
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms  
This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you

And now, sitting at the piano he knew that they were a family again, bigger than before, but he wouldn't do anything different in the last years, he wouldn't change a thing, because in the end, it had turned them onto the right path.

It had taken long, but his father had fixed more than just one relationship after finally realizing what an ass he had been all that time. He had given Logan strength, when he had thought himself forever lost. He had given Logan courage, when he had thought himself to be too weak.

He had grabbed his hands and pulled him to the right path again, when Logan had believed himself to already be forever lost.

Without John Logan would have never found the strength and courage he had needed to talk to Julian about what had happened, and without that he would have never been brave enough to make the first step and kiss Julian on that warm summer night on the beach.

He owed his father his happiness, the future he had never imagined himself to have, but was so close to achieving already.

Now I'm just rolling home  
Into my lover's arms  
This much I know is true  
That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you.

Some hours earlier he had helped Lily onto the little stage and knelt down next to her to hold the microphone to her height, smiling when she blushed upon so many eyes on her, for a three year old she was unbelievably cheeky and mischievous, but not in front of so many strangers.

“These are my fingerprints, tiny and small.”, and Lily held up her hands four everyone to see, Logan could see his father grinning, and he had to smirk himself, “To place in your books Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. They are here to remind you the whole year through that you're the Best Dad, “and Lily's voice was clear as day as she spoke, directly looking into their father's eyes, and Logan could see Michelle crying already, but he was more moved by the tears pooling in John's green orbs, “and ... I Love You!”

It had without doubt been the most special and sweetest moment of the evening as Lily had run from the stage and down into the waiting arms of her heavy swallowing father in the next second, and Logan was surely not trying to top it, when he got to his feet now, and crossed the room to slip through the door and into the empty corridor, turning left to find his father's study.

That God blessed the broken road  
That led me straight to you. 

“We'll talk more about it after the weekend.”, Logan stopped in the doorway when he heard his grandfather speak, but he felt even more convinced about his decision to seek his father out in this moment instead of waiting for another day, “Now it seems you've got the youngster looking for you.”, the older John smiled at him from his position in the armchair by the fireplace, while his son turned around from where he had been standing in the middle of his study with a glass of Scotch.

Logan chuckled and stepped into the room, “I'm not a youngster anymore, Grandpa.”, prompting his grandfather to snort while Logan walked over to stand next to his father.  
“You might be 24, but you're still always gonna be your father's youngster.”, Logan rolled his eyes, but secretly he was happy that both men of his family were happy and relaxed, it made it only better what he had to tell them now.

“Did you want something, Logan?”, John II directed towards him and Logan smiled, letting his eyes quickly pass from his father to his grandfather and back again.  
“There is something I wanted to talk to you about. Had waited all night for things to calm down a little.”, his father raised an eyebrow for him to continue, “I've seen the look in your face some hours ago when Lily said her poem, when she called you Dad and it got me wondering.”, he had thought long and long about how he had wanted to share the news, until he had watched his sister beaming up at their father and John swallowing against the tears of joy.

“Wondering about what, boy?”, his grandfather wanted to know, and Logan looked at his hands for a seconds, before he reached one of them into his jacket, hesitating with his fingers curled around the paper in his pocket. Green eyes looked up into the senator's face again.  
“You better put that glass down, Dad.”

“Is it that bad?”, John wanted to know, but still complied and walked over to his desk to put his glass down upon it, Logan felt his lips curling into a bigger smile.  
“No, it's not bad at all.”, both Wright men looked at him as though he had sprouted a second head, so Logan turned to catch his father's eyes again, “Like I said, I saw the look on your face, when Lily called you Dad in front of all those people, and I started wondering how you would look if someone else called you something a little different the next time.”

His grandfather already gasped, when Logan took a step towards his puzzled father, “Something a little different from Dad, say for example...”, and he pulled out the picture from his jacket, “Grandpa.”, and he turned it around and showed the sonogram to his father.


	3. Gift

„Mister Larson...“, Julian cringed only slightly, when he closed the door behind himself and sent a smile to the woman behind the counter at the reception. It has only been short fucking five months since the wedding, he thought to himself, was it so hard to learn a new name.

„I`m here to see Mister van Kamp.“, he announced instead of correcting her mistake, placing the book with his sketches on the counter, he leaned his hands upon them.  
„Do you have an appointment?“

„No, I don`t, but Reed surely never told me to make appointments to see him. I`m here on private matters anyway.”, he raised an eyebrow at the young woman who blushed crimson.  
“I`ll see how busy he is, just a moment.”, she scrambled from her seat and through the glass doors, Julian rolled his eyes, pulling up his phone as it buzzed.

Am I allowed to kill these ass-kissers and still take their money? - Logan

Biting his tongue to keep himself from laughing out loud, Julian shook his head and quickly typed back a reply.

Smile, nod, more smiling. You know the drill by now. - Julian

That doesn`t mean I like it. I am so much looking forward to finally come home tonight. - Logan

Logan had been on political conferences with his father for the entire last week, and Julian himself could barely wait for him to come back tonight, for more than just one reason.

Can`t wait for tonight. - Julian

Me neither. I love you, see you soon. - Logan

I love you, too. - Julian

He had just looked back up from his phone, when Reeds secretary got back, holding the glass door open for him.  
“Mister van Kamp is in his studio, he is waiting for you, Sir.”

He found Reed purched over several rolls of red fabric, but the moment he stepped into the circular glass room, the smaller man looked up and smiled.  
“Julian, it`s a nice surprise to see you here. Can I do something for you?”, Julian smiled back at him, patting Cocos head as he passed by her on his way to the table in the middle of the room.  
“I was hoping for a favor.”

“Let me hear.”, Reed waves him closer as he spots the sketchbook in Julians right hand, “Or see. You`ve been drawing again?”, it wouldn`t have been the first time Julian came to him with something he had thought of himself, it usually ended in birthday presents for Casey or Michelle.

“It`s just been something I had been thinking about for some time.”, he stepped back after he had placed the book on the table, opened to the page he wanted Reed to see. His old friend took his place and looked over the pages with the designs, but only for a second, before he whirled around and stared at Julian, eyes widened, eyebrows raised, lips curled into a grin.

And the actor himself couldn`t hold it back any longer and he started grinning and beaming.  
“Really?”, Julian nodded, he knew he was beaming with joy and exhilarating happiness, the warmth of the truth still racing through his blood.

Reed raised his hands to his mouth and giggled, stepping around a fallen paper on his way to Julian.  
“Really. Over the critical mark a week ago. She didn`t want to tell us sooner.”

“Does Logan now?”

“Not yet. She called after he was already gone. I didn`t want to tell him over the phone.”, he gladly accepted the hug Reed gave him.

“So that is where I come in...”

“Only if you have the time. I really don`t want to intrude, it`s just the first day off I had all week.”, Reed waved his concerns away and instead walked over to a shelf where several rolls of fabric were stored.

“I`m glad to help with this. I`m not stuffed with much right now. So... I take it that adorable romper suit is for Logan... and I guess the shoes for the senator?”, Reed pointed a finger to the black painted shoes on the bottom of the right page, Julian nodded.

“My father is overseas, he`ll have to make due with a call for now. Derek and Casey will get the hat.”, the actor let a gentle finger stroke over the delicate sketch he had made with a pencil two days ago.

“Well then, let`s get to work. You have the time, right?”, Julian nodded, getting rid of his jacket and pushing up the sleeves of his shirt.

“Yeah, got nothing to do but wait and walk in circles until Logan comes back.”, Reed chuckled as he pulled out a fabric roll of navy blue from the shelf.

“Wait a second.”, he furrowed his brows when he laid the roll onto the table, “You did tell someone, right? I`m not the first?”, Julian smiled at him and Reed almost dropped the scissors he had picked up, catching himself in the last second and placing them upon the cotton.

“You`re my friend, are you not? No, I didn`t tell anyone until now, not until Logan knows, but you are an important part of my surprise for him.”, Reed rolled his eyes and laughed, “I`m still wondering on who will freak out more. Derek or John.”

“I think it`s safe to say, Michelle will put them all to shame.”, Reed mused as they got to work, the young designer reached for Julians sketches again, the actor chuckled, pulling up another chair to sit down and started shifting through pieces of red cotton.

“I didn`t even count her in. She`ll go completely crazy. And Meg will probably demand future playdates already.”, making notes for measurements, Reed snorted in amusement.

“Michelle brought her along the last time she was here for a fitting. That little princess sure is a character, Logan must be beaming with brotherly pride.”, Julian smiled to himself, holding up two kind of reds for Reed to judge, both knowing what color they were looking for, Reed shook his head to both.

“He is, he is.”

“Look at you. You`re grinning from one ear to the other. You haven`t glowed like this on your wedding day.”, Reed laughed, warm eyes looking to the actor.

“I`m just really happy right now.”

“So, what do you want? And don`t give the just-healthy-and-happy card. I`ve been through this four times already. And Blaine, Kurt, David and even Katherine all pretended to be content with it, and they all had their secret wishes.”, Julian blushed, he actually turned red.

“A boy.”, he said, pictures jumping into his mind, “I would really love a son first. I mean, healthy and happy is the most important and I would still love a daughter just as much, but... When I grew up I always wanted a big brother to look out for me.”

Reed glanced at him, fingers already cutting through the navy blue cotton, “A boy with blond hair and green eyes.”

“I wouldn`t complain...”, and they both started laughing.

“Do you know what Logan wants?”

“I think he just really wants a healthy and happy child.”, as Reed raised an eyebrow, Julian chuckled again, “Honestly. Some years ago, I would have said a son. He would have cringed at the sole thought of raising a girl. He had always been awkward around Dereks sister, when Amanda had been younger, but since Megan was born...”, he let his words float away, but Reed still understood.

“The miracles only children can bring. I`m really happy for you, the two of you have come a long way, you`re going to be great fathers.”

“Thank you, Reed... Though I can barely imagine John as a grandfather yet, he is so young again since Megans birth.”

They worked in silence for a while, cutting fabric, debating over sizes and fabric, and colors for the shoes, and it wasn`t until Reed had brought the sewing machine over that he turned the conversations away from sewing stuff again.

“Do you think Logan will get it? When he sees the suit.”, Julian laughed from his position at the top of the table, delicately trying to write on the tiny hat with a fabric marker.

“God, I sure hope so, but I`m quite positive. We had both agreed that we would not start buying toys or clothes until we got the affirmation. He`ll get it once he sees it.”

“While we´re at getting messages across, did you know that Wes is dating Tabitha again?”, Julian snapped his head up.  
“No. Really? Why?”, and purely amused by the horrified expression on Julians face, Reed launched into the story.

 

“I`m home.”, and Logans voice is muffled in the next second, his suitcase dropping to the ground as Julian pounced on him from the living room door, crashing their lips together in a kiss full of longing and happiness.

Logan quickly reached around him, holding onto his thighs as his husband wrapped his legs and arms around him.  
“Wow...”, he breathed as they broke apart again, gasping for breath, “That`s a welcome. I missed you, too. What...”, but Julian didn´t let him finish.

“I have something for you.”, it bubbled from him, and Logan blinked at the big grin on Julians face.  
“Did something happen? You look like you swallowed the sun.”, positively confused by then, Logan didn`t protest as Julian squirmed out of his arms, taking his hand and pulling him into the living room once he was on his own feet again.

Some random toys and wooden bricks on the ground told Logan that his sister had been around not too long ago. Julian pulled him to the couch and pushed him to sit down on it.  
“I had planned to make dinner and then give it to you afterwards, but Reed and I got talking and I forgot the time... and honestly dinner can wait. I can`t.”

“Reed?”, Logan wanted to know, quite a bit puzzled, while Julian dug both his hands into a bag that was standing on the small table close by, taking out a beautifully wrapped thin box, roughly the length of Logans thigh.

“This is for you.”

“Holy crap, you`re almost bouncing. What is this, Julian?”, his husband only grinned, and were those tears in his eyes, and then he gave him the box.

Logan took it, and Julian sat down next to him, he was all but vibrating with happiness, so Logan really got curious and opened the wrapping paper, pulling off the lid on the box, and stared.

“No.... oh my god... but.... oh my god.”

There, nestled onto white tissue paper, a navy blue romper suit with red edges on the sleeves and pant legs was neatly placed into the box, the red embroidered Dalton D letting his eyes water.

“Lo?”, Julian asked after Logan had been staring at the box in silence for two minutes, mumbling “oh my god”s under his breath.

“Oh my god. Really?”, and Logan whirled around to stare at him, and the hope and the unbelieving happiness in his voice and eyes, it choked Julian so he could only nod, almost every tooth showing in his grin, “We`re gonna...”, Logan stuttered, voice breaking, “We`re gonna have a baby?”

“Yes. Natasha called five days ago, she didn`t want to tell us before the first three months were over. We`re going to have a baby.”

Logan jumped to his feet, pulling him along and against his chest for a second, and then it really bubbled over him, grin almost breaking his face in two.

“We are going to have a baby!”, Logan screamed, suddenly lifting Julian up and spinning him around, Julian could only hold onto his shoulders, “We`re gonna have a baby, Julian. A baby. Our baby.”

And he laughed and he cried, and Julian had never before seen him this happy.

They told Derek over the phone that night, laughing about his cry of joy that had Casey stumbling into a wall in shock. Travis was the next, away on set in New Zealand, Julians father was silent for a minute until he wanted to know everything they already knew, the tears obvious in his voice.

They waited to tell John, Michelle and Megan until they saw them on the weekend during brunch. Arriving with a silver wrapped box in Logans hand, they joined John and Michelle at the table in the dining room, Megan instantly climbing into her brothers lap and demanding to know whom the present was for.

“It`s for Dad, sweetie, but I got something for you later.”, smiling up at her big brother with content green eyes, Megan leaned back against his chest, and Logan looked up when he felt his fathers eyes upon himself.

“For me? Why do I get a present?”

“It`s just something we wanted you to have.”, Julian said from Logans side, nudging him to hand it over, John took it with confusion written all over his face. Megan rushed back to her seat next to her mother, across from Logan and Julian. At the head of the table John stared at the box.

“Open it, Daddy!”.

“Do you know what`s inside?”, John turned to his wife, who shook her head, as equally puzzled as him. John threw one more look to his smiling son and son-in-law, before he unwrapped the silver paper and opened the box.

His hand froze in midair, the lid dropped onto the table and green eyes whipped up to look at his son, who started grinning. His face was glorious.

“Really?”

“Yes. Julian found out a week ago, he told me when I came back.”

“Oh my god.”

“John?”, Michelle asked, when John hurried to his feet and over to their boys, pulling them both into a breathtaking hug. Megan had stood up again and had walked to her fathers seat to look into the box, her eyebrows furrowed together.

“Mummy?”, Michelle turned to look at her, “Why does Daddy get such tiny shoes?”, and her small hands pulled the brown pair of tiny leather shoes out of the box, “They don`t fit him.”, and Michelle screamed.


	4. Heater

The clock read some minutes after three, when his door opened and rose Logan from his sleep, and shifted around until he could look through tired eyes to the small gap letting light into his room. The figure was so easily recognisable that his mind fought against the sleep, it was the fidgeting and the red sweatshirt that gave him away.  
"Jules?", a sigh was his answer from the door as he sat up and flicked on the small lamp on his nightstand, "Why aren`t you asleep?", Julian sighed again, hesitating for another second before stepping into the room and shutting the door behind himself.  
It had been seven weeks since Julian had come back to Dalton, and even though they had tried everything to prevent it from happening, it quickly became awkward between them, and none of them had an explanation for it. They had talked about everything, more than once, they were closer than ever before, the three of them, and after his initial mothering insanity cooled down a little, Derek even let them have some time together, just to the two of them.  
But being together in a room, alone and with seemingly nothing to do, it soon got awkward, and Logan hated it, he knew there was no way they would ever get back to how it had been before Blaine had shown up, and he didn`t want it to, they both had changed, for the better, but he wanted his best friend back.  
"Nightmare.", Julian mumbled as he slowly came closer, Logan pushed a hand over his face and patted the spot on his right, it had improved, there hadn`t been one in weeks for Julian, but Logan knew that sometimes the actor would lay awake for hours still, too afraid to close an eye.  
"What about?", and Julians following answer wouldn`t be what he had expected, but somehow it would change their relationship to the better once more. Sitting down on the bed with his feet still touching the ground, Logan only then noticed how the actors hands were shaking, and he reached out to capture them in his larger ones, all awkwardness was forgotten, they were both way too tired for that.  
"I couldn`t find you. I was lost...", and Julian furrowed his brows, trying to remember the details, but upon finding nothing anymore, Julian turned to look at him, "I couldn`t find you anymore, you were gone, but I needed to see you, it was important. One moment you were there and in the next you were gone and I needed to tell you something... and then I woke up again..."  
"Hey, hey...", curling both hands around his friends still too pale face, Logan smiled at him, effectively stopping the bubbling panic, he saw the fear in sepia eyes, "It`s okay. I`m here, okay... I`m not going anywhere.", he promised, seeing how Julian relaxed, but his hands still kept shaking, and Logan became aware of how cold the actor was, "Holy crap, you are freezing. Why are you so cold?", rubbing one hand over Julians right arm, Logan halfway turned around to grab a spare blanket from the ground.  
Shifting around on the bed until he was all the way back against the wall, he tugged on Julians arms until the actor laid down next to him, pulling both blankets around them, Logan laid back again, finding Julians face only inches from his.  
"I am sick of us being awkward. It`s not us, Lo.", Logan smiled, not believing how much the words shot right through to his heart and warming him from the inside, had he not been waiting on this for so long, pulling Julian even closer, he let him place his head on his right arm, Julians own arm curling around his chest.  
Leaning his head against the brunets, Logan smiled as he leaned over to switch off the light again before holding Julian to his chest, the actor quietly spoke again, already halfway lulled to sleep again.  
"I want this... being close without twitching away from contact. I want my best friend back."  
"I`ve never gone anywhere.", Logan answered in a whisper close to Julians forehead and placed a quick kiss upon it, his nose lingering longer on skin, "It`s gonna be okay, we`ll be okay. We`ll always be okay. I know there are still things we need to talk about, still things between us unnamed, but... you are the most important person in my life and I promise you this awkwardness will stop now. You are not losing me.", Julians twisted his fingers into Logans shirt and the prefect could feel a small smile against his neck.  
They both started to drift off to sleep again then, until ten minutes later Julian found another source of heat for the last freezing parts of his body, sighing quietly when the warmth filled his skin, Logan instead yelped, gripping onto Julian to go against his instincts of pushing the cold invasion away.  
"Fuck you, Jules.", the blond immediately complained, while Julian was momentarily distracted by the ripples of muscles straining under his head.  
"Hm?"  
"Your feet are ice cold.", Logan snarled, wide awake again, and Julian started laughing.


	5. Dear Adam

Dear Adam,  
I don`t know how to start, there is so much to say, so much I have to get off my chest, and at this point I don`t even know if I should send this letter or if it will just become a dust collector in a drawer I never touch again. 

The thing is, I need closure, I need to move on, need to place this all behind me, even though I don`t know how. It`s been weeks, but still no night passes by, where I don`t wake up screaming, where it doesn`t take Logan hours to calm me down again. No dreams that don`t turn into nightmares, no nightmares where I am not back in the fire, back with you. Maybe you don´t want to hear this, but I am past the point where I still think that you get to have a choice, you need to hear the truth. And I will be brutally honest with you.

I trusted you, I thought I had thought a friend in you, someone I could escape to, escape from the craziness that my two best friends kept on dragging me into. And truthfully, I liked the attention, probably way too much, it must have only sporned your obsession on much further. You betrayed my trust, you took it and burned it down, tried to kill it along with me, along with the boy I have loved for the past three years of my life, and along with boys I called my friends.

You betrayed me, and I can honestly say that I am way beyond caring about whether or not this hurts you, about whether or not this will help you in any way. I don`t care anymore. Some months ago I would have given a rats ass about whether or not you were happy, I defended my friendship with you against Logans and Dereks doubt, but now all that is left is anger... Yes, I am angry, even though I know you can`t be taken responsible for what you did, even though half of what happened was just a chain reaction, I still blame you, I still want you to be made responsible for what you did. The fire took a life, took the life of an innocent man, who had nothing to do with anything that happened. Harvey is dead, Adam, he died because he wanted to save us from dying in a fire that started because of you.

And I am angry, because I will never get the justice that I need. You will never be trialed, there will never be someone judging you for your actions. I take some gratitude to know that you will probably never leave the psychiatric institution, that you will maybe never be cured and will never be a free man again in your own way. The insanity got you, I heard, that you have fallen even deeper into your obsession, they told me, maybe it is good for you, to live in that dream world you created, for you it`s certainly better than to face the consequences you deserve to see, but for me... I will always ask myself why, I will always have to ask myself how it would have felt to see you get sentenced, how it would have felt to know you will rot in prison for the rest of your life, but I will never get to feel it. It`s always gonna be an open question.

Dwight tells me that you will get your trial in the afterlife, that your soul is already resting in hell, and maybe he is right, and you will burn in hell after you die, maybe then you get to experience the pain I am going through every single day. Someone died because I trusted you, a child will be born and grow up without ever knowing the amazing man that his father had been, a man died who was loved and admired. The fire killed someones father, the fire you are responsible for killed someones father. There isn`t a minute, where I don`t think about it, where my mind is not trying to make sense of it all, but I can`t, because there is no rational thought in it, you are sick, you did all of it, so you could have what you want, you did all of it, because you thought only your way of salvation would be the right one for everyone. I have never encountered a person that was so selfish, so blind to reality.

I have given a lot of thought to what I wanted to write, have had moments, where I thought comprehension would fall upon me if I just give it enough time, but time only showed me that I will never be anything but angry. Danny could have bled to death from his stab wounds, Reed could have died, so could have Dwight, Blaine and Kurt. And they had nothing to do with your plans, they were just in the way, collateral damage, and you really think someone would be able to forgive you? That you would find salvation if you just pray enough? It was your sole intention to get me alone, not caring for the costs, and getting rid of Logan was your sole priority.

I will never forgive you for what you have done, I have scars that will forever remind me of it, that will forever remind me of the pain I had to go through, of the pain I still feel every single day. Derek and Logan are a mess, I know they try to be strong for me, but I can see it in their eyes, they don`t know what to do anymore, and I don`t know what to say, so much has happened, to us, to me, but now, the silence between us is what could break us apart. Break apart what screaming and yelling never could. They are my best friends, they are my family, and you tried to rip me away from them, rip them away from me, there is no forgiveness for you.

Every night since I woke up, I wake up screaming. Every night since I woke up, Logan bolts awake next to me and tries to comfort me. Every night I fight. I fight against him thinking he is you, thinking that you have come back to end what you started, and it kills him. It kills him to know that sometimes I can`t tell the differences apart anymore. Every nightmare leaves me terrified, I can`t deal with the darkness anymore, because darkness means death, because darkness means I can`t get away. Logan is tired, so tired, as am I, we don`t talk, we just sit there, staring at each other until I fall asleep again. It hurts, it hurts so bad, to see the scratches I leave on Logans skin, because I think he is you, and I know he is breaking, that he thinks he can`t help, that it would be better to have Derek stay with me, but I can`t let him go. I`m scared to lose him, more than ever, he is so close and so far away at the same time.

Every night I wake up and when I finally see his face, I know I will be okay, I know that you are gone and you will never be able to hurt me anymore, I can`t let him go, if he goes, I will fall. I am scared and angry, and I shouldn`t, but I blame you. 

I`m sorry for your parents, you ruined their life, but at the same time, I think they should have seen something, and I get that they want to apologize, but please, I beg you to stop trying to contact me or Logan, or any of the boys. No one here wants to look back into the past, we are trying to move on. I know that Justin is taking it the hardest, that he is blaming himself, blaming himself for not listening to his sister, for not noticing things sooner, but even he will realize the truth eventually. The truth that you set the chain reaction in motion, that even though yes the building was old and instable, you started it all. 

We saved our school, we saved Dalton, now it`s only the question, when we will start to save ourselves. 

I still love Logan, maybe even more than before, because he doesn`t give up on me, because in spite of my parents constant pleas for me to come back to Los Angeles and forget it all, Logan is fighting for me to stay, because he knows I will never forget. I can`t. He is strong, stronger than I ever thought he could be, stronger than I could ever be. Derek tells me he was a mess, when I was unconscious, that every night, he would hear him screaming from the nightmares. They care about me, I should have never doubted it, they would rather die than see me get hurt again, maybe Logan will never love me back the way I love him, but he loves me, and I will rather take him as a brother than to never be able to see his face again. And sometimes, when he holds me, sings me back to sleep, I might actually have hope that we might have a future together, once all of this is over. 

You tried to ruin my life, Adam, and you almost succeeded, you tried to hurt the people that mean more to me than anyone else in this world, and now, it´s you, who means nothing to me anymore. I never want to hear a word from you again, never want to know anything about you anymore, I don´t care if you get better, if you ever see the light of a new life for you, all I want is to forget you. All I want is for your face to vanish from my memory. I have the scars to remind me of Hell Night, but I know I will forget you. Will forget the influence on me I let you have. Every night I realize it`s Logan reaching for me quicker and quicker, and I see it as a blinding light of hope, hope that someday I will not think of you anymore, that someday you will only be a distant nightmare, and that without noticing, someday you won`t exist for me anymore.

I will live the rest of my life with the knowledge that judgement day will come for you, and that, may it be after my death, someday I will find peace.

Julian

The letter, laying forgotten on the desk in the corner of the darkened room, was still open, still a page in the notebook Julian had taken from Logans bag, when he hadn`t been able to find his own once the desperate need to finally write it had fallen over him. Now it was night again, the actor deep asleep in his bed, and it it hadn`t been for the green eyes glued to his face, to his every movements, it could have almost looked as if everything had been gone back to normal, three months after Hell Night claimed Harveys life.

But it wasn`t, nothing had gone back to normal, at least not for the Stuart Trio, and especially not for the actor himself and the blond boy sitting patiently at the end of his bed, his own eyes tired, dark bags under his eyes, but Logan couldn`t sleep. Couldn´t sleep, because he feared that his body would betray him, would not let him hear Julians screams for once, and he couldn´t dare picture what it would mean, that Julian could start thinking again he had left him. That he didn`t care anymore, when all he did was be sick with worry, be sick of himself that he reminded him of Adam, that he couldn`t help him.

He had seen the letter Julian had started for Adam, but he hadn`t read it, when he had come for the night some hours ago, he wasn`t itching to know what Julian thought of him anymore, he only wanted his best friend to not be in so much pain anymore. Julians PTSD was affecting all three of them, and the only reason Derek wasn`t with them in the night, was because Logan needed him to be strong for them during the day, he needed someone to catch him, when he would break.

Every night, when Julian would fight against him, it would feel like knives being sliced through his heart, and everytime Julian ended up sobbing in his arms, he would blame himself, and the remorse for not having been there for his friends before, it was worse than any physical pain could ever be. He had already offered the proposal that they could switch yesterday, Derek and him, but for a split second Julian had looked so downright desolate, hopeless and desperate that Logan had quickly pulled back. It was better for him to suffer after all. If he hadn`t been a soulless monster, it had never come so far, Julian would have never had felt the urge to lie to him.

The screaming comes all of a sudden and completely unexpected as always, one second Julians body is calm, and in the next moment, he is trashing around on the bed, arms trying to fend off an enemy that wasn`t there, lips opening for a blood curling scream, only this time, they opened to scream his name. For a moment, Logan was too stunned, too paralysed to do anything.  
"Logan, no! No, not him! Logan, no!", shaking free of the chains around his body, Logan moved, crawled from the bed and knelt next to Julians head, the actors face was contorted into a grimace of pain, much worse than the ones Logan had almost gotten used to over the last two months.

Julian had been persistent at first, had fought against him staying in the night, had complained non stop about them being too overprotective, but after the first night, when he had collapsed into Dereks arms, Logan splayed out on the ground, thrown back by the force Julians fist had unleashed, when it had connected with his jaw, he had been thankful. And quiet, scared of himself, and it was a picture Logan hated to see, because Julian was confident, a selfish stuck up primadonna, an arrogant diva, because he always had the last word, he wanted him back. There was nothing more he wanted back than the divas smile, then those rosy lips stretching into a superior smirk. He wanted his Julian back.

"Logan!", the scream, Julians voice strained, it left him feeling more scared and shaking then any night before, his hands were trembling so bad, when he reached out to shake Julian awake, that he needed two tries before he could curl them around Julians trashing hands, and every word got stuck in his throat. Every comforting whisper and murming of Julians name, of promises that he would be okay, that he was home, that Adam was gone, it all died in his throat, when sepia brown eyes flew open and immediately landed on his face.

Logan held his breath, bracing himself for the fists flying against his chest, for the nails scratching at every patch of skin they could find, but nothing like that happened either. Brown eyes found green, and in the next second Julians came flying towards him. Skinny arms came flying around his neck, holding onto him with a strength he didn`t know Julian possessed anymore, and his face curled itself into the crook of his neck and he was crying, Logan could feel the trail of his tears seeping into his shirt, and all he could do was pull his arms around Julians waist and hold onto him. And it felt so good, too good to be true, to be able to hold onto him, and it washed over him like relief, that Julian hadn`t fought against him, that for the first time in months Julian had immediately recognized him, that for the first time Julian hadn`t thought of Adam when he laid eyes on him.

“I thought he had you! I thought he had killed you!”, he was shaking in his arms, absolutely terrified, Logan only tightened the hold he had on him, "He killed you. He had killed you right in front of me.", the actors broken voice sobbed into his neck, Logan turned his head, pressed his lips against the top of the actors brown hair.  
"I`m here, Jules, I`m here. It was just a dream.", carefully pushing him a little away, so that he could look him in the eye again, Logan offered him a small smile, "I`m okay, Jules, he didn`t get to me. He is gone.", the tears falling over Julians face, he looked so young suddenly, it broke Logans heart.  
"I thought you were dead. I thought I had lost you."  
"Shh.", Logan shushed him quickly, pulling a hand up to press a finger against the actors lips, "Shh, I`m here, okay... I`m not going anywhere, Jules.", the promise, it did something to Julian then, because for the first time since the horribly nightmares started, Logan saw something like calm wash over Julians face.  
"I`m scared.", he was still shaking, but he was opening up, they were talking, and maybe there was still hope, maybe he hadn`t lost his best friend, maybe there was still a chance for them, a chance for him to get redemption.  
"I know, Julian, I know, but I am here. I got you.", Julian fell against him once again, but Logan knew he had heard him, knew that he had understood, and he circled his arms back around him, "We will get through this, Jules, together, you are going to be just fine. I will never let you be alone again.", picking him up, it was way too easy, Julian was only skin and bones at this point, he moved them back onto the bed again, laid them down and let the actor curl himself against his body, let him feel the warmth and the safety that he had been so desperate to give to him.

And Julian pushed his head against Logans heart, let himself be calmed and comforted by the sound of strong and healthy heartbeats, and he curled his fingers around the fabric of the other boys shirt, held onto him, even if it wasn`t necessary, because now where he could, Logan wasn`t going to let go of him anytime soon. Pulling the blankets back over them, placed his head onto Julians and pressed another kiss onto his forehead.  
"Sleep now, I will stay right here.", and before Julian could have asked, Logan knew exactly what he had wanted to say, "A place to crash, I got you. No need to ask, I got you. Just get on the phone, I got you. Come and pick you up if I have to, what´s weird about it, is we`re right at the end, and mad about it. Just figured it out in my head, I`m proud to say, I got you... Go ahead and say goodbye, I'll be alright. Go ahead and make me cry, I'll be alright. And when you need a place to run to, for better for worse, I got you. I got you...", and it`s a small glimmer of peace falling over Julian, when his eyes drop and shifts his body even closer Logan, searches blindly around with his hand, until Logans curls his fingers through his. And for Logan, it`s suddenly all he ever wanted, while he softly continues to sing, even when Julian is already asleep again, because nothing else counts than him. 

They would talk, they would take their time to sort it all out, sort out the last three years that had gone wrong between them, and somehow Logan would make sure that Julian doesn`t lose hope when it comes to having his feelings returned. And they would talk for hours, just to the two of them, and then just the three of them, and someday Logan would forgive himself for being a horrible friend. And someday Julian would be caught offguard, when Logan would pull him into his room and kiss him, and tell him that he never felt like this about anyone else, and that he would never let somebody lay a finger on Julian again. They would talk, and the three of them would be friends again, closer than ever before and then, the two of them would be more than friends.

But for now, as Logan hummed the last tunes, feeling his own eyes getting heavier and heavier, all that mattered was them, was sleep, was healing. And Logan welcomed the exhaustion and the sleep falling over his body as he dropped his head into the pillow, because he hadn`t felt this triumphant in weeks. Julian trusted him again, trusted him to keep him safe, so there was nothing else to say, they had time, so much time, all that counted now was the boy in his arms, was that he got Julian finally where he wanted him. And with the lyrics on repeat in his own heads, Logan finally fell into a peaceful sleep.

I got you.


	6. A smile in the darkness

Logan was peacefully awake by the time the clock stroke two, dreaming about a time when everything had been easier, where things hadn`t been this complicated, where there hadn`t been death threats, stalkers, forbidden love affairs, of a time, where they had just been three friends suffering through meaningless school duties. He thought of sheer endless nights talking in their room, about Derek coming back to Dalton from another terrible date, he thought about Julians blinding smile whenever he had seen him sing and perform with the Warblers. And without having thought about it before, he desperately wanted these times to return, for them to be just Stuarts, no complicated lives, no messed up emotions.

Blinking into the dark room, Logan groaned and turned around, shifting his weight until he was comfortable again, he hated it when he woke up during the night, unable to fall asleep again, but his dreams had just been too real, there had been too much lost happiness. He let his eyes flicker over the bottle of pills on his nightstand, over to Julians side of the room, the moonlights casted a shadow over his friends bed, making it easy for him to outline Julians body under the heap of blankets, his face turned in his direction. And he frowned, because he hadn`t expected for him to look this troubled, haunted and terrified, Julian was a deep sleeper, always had been, the only time of the day when he had been able to just be a teenage boy, far away from the pressure around him. But now, his eyes were moving, racing from one side to the other, his hands tore into the fabric of the sheets, knuckles turned white, and when he saw him gritting his teeth even more, Logan sighed. It really got to him, he really was completely terrified. Pulling his feet onto the ground, Logan pushed a hand over his face, trying to find a way on how to deal with this, he was still shocked, still scared himself, because this was so much out of their league, but he wanted to protect Julian, wanted to keep him safe, because next to Derek, Julian was the only thing close to a best friend that he had ever had. He had to be strong now, he had to look out for him now, after they had done it for him in the past, he just wanted to see Julian smile again.

He stood up, walked over to his friend and sat down on the edge of his bed, his hand pale in the moonlight, as he slowly reached out to place his hand on his shoulder, he didn`t even flinch or blink, when Julian bolted awake and screamed, frantically pushing against him. Logan only grabbed his wrist, kept those fists from punching against his chest, while Julian slowly blinked into awareness, it was probably a good reason why you shouldn`t necessarily wake up people from their dreams, Logan guessed, swallowing down the pain from where Julian had hit his rips. A last choked scream escaped the actors white lips before he realized who was holding onto him, and before Logan could say anything, Julian was throwing his arms around his neck, holding onto him, while his body shook so violently, tears streaming down his face. Logan was baffled for a second, he had never seen Julian lose this much control over himself, but then he wound his arms around the other boy, stroking over his back.  
„Hey, hey, it`s going to be okay.“, but Julian only pressed his face closer into the crook of his neck, „Jules, it`s going to be okay... Derek and I, we got you. I got your back, Jules. Nothing will happen to you, not as long as I am your friend.“, it helped nothing, his words ran right by Julian, still desperately clutching onto him, Logan sighed and leaned his head against those oak brown curls. Without really intending to, he started to rock them back and forth, “It`s gonna be alright, Jules. You`re not alone in this. Derek and I, we won`t be going anywhere, we`ll stick to your side until the end. I`ll always be there for you, nothing will get in between us anymore, I let too many things take me away. I let too many people get in between me and my friends, in between us, and I`m so sorry. I`ll protect you, with everything I have, with everything I can give.”

“Stay with me.”, the actor sobbed out through deep breaths visibly trying to calm himself down, soaking up the warmth and the safety that his friend emitted around him.  
“I`m here, Jules. I`m here, won`t be going anywhere. Come here.”, pushing the smaller boy slightly away, he tilted his head up until he could look into those brown eyes, filled with tears, it was rare that Julian was this emotionally out of control, and Logan secretly loved these moments, when he could be the stronger one, when he had the chance to make things right again, “It`s gonna be okay. You hear me?”, he cradled Julians face with both hands, using his thumbs to wipe some tears away, “It`s gonna be alright. I got you.”, he got a watery smile in response, but it was enough for him, “Come on, make some room.”, he pleaded with the sleep deprived seventeen year old, walking back to his own bed and snatching up his blanket, “We both need some sleep, and I can`t see you in pain and terror again.”, Julian didn`t say anything, just scooted further towards the wall and let Logan climb into the bed with him. They didn`t need words, they knew each other good enough to know what the other one was thinking, Logan got comfortable, before he weaved a hand through the mass of blankets that Julian even used in the summer, pulling them up again, he made sure his friend was burried up to the nose. The light was switched off again and they laid in perfect silence for a moment, until Julian shifted closer to the prefect.  
“Thank you.”  
“Always, Jules, always.”


	7. Starlight

Have fun, stop worrying about everything for one night and just be there for your girl. Show Casey you are still worth it. Just be a teenager for once, D. See you on Monday.

"What is he saying?", looking up from his phone Derek caught Caseys eyes from where she was leaning against the doorframe of the empty classroom he had slipped into when his phone had buzzed with another message from Logan.  
"He told me to have fun and to stop worrying about them for one night.", Casey smiled, pushing herself away from the door, she walked over to him, where Derek had pushed both his hands over his face again, he sounded as tired and desperate ashe looked, and if at all, she was more worried about him than his two best friends.  
"If it is too much for you, we can always go, drive up to Columbus and get some dinner, watch a movie.", she offered him an exit, it was only prom, only Junior year, they still had next year, and the only thing she wanted now was to have a nice evening that would make the boy she loved happy.

"No.", Derek immediately protested though, looking up to catch her eyes again, he held out a hand to pull her closer, "No, it's okay. I owe it to Julian and Logan to be here tonight. I want this, Case.", he got back to his feet from where he had previously sat on top of a desk in the first row, smiling slightly when Casey reached up to fic his tie again.

"So he really isn't coming?", both of them turned around to spot Blaine in the doorway, flanked by Kurt and Reed, Derek shook his head.  
"No, he is in New York. He fled when the preparations really took form, two days ago. It's better this way.", offering Casey his arm, Derek let his lips slowly turn into a true smile, "He wants us to have fun.", Casey hooked her arm around his and squeezed it once.

"They would want us to have fun tonight.", she corrected him and he nodded, "To just be young for one night and not think about their pain.", and the three Windsor boys smiled at the lonely third part of the Stuart Trio and the beautiful girl at his side, and together they hurried back into Orion Hall, and while Kurt complimented Casey on her Belle inspired dress, Derek quietly but quickly send a message to his best friends.

You`re with us tonight. Both of you. Don't forget it. It would be more fun if you could be here, but I understand. - Derek

Logan tried himself at a small smile as he read through Dereks latest message, but he failed miserably and instead dropped his phone back onto the small table, standing next to the deckchair he had laid down upon an hour ago. New York was already hot with summer air, and even though it was already dark and late in the evening, he had still preferred to lay on the small balcony of his room than inside where the air conditioning let him freeze to death.

His father had taken Michelle out, something about giving him space and time to think, Logan was grateful for it, he loved the energetic and lovable young woman with all his heart, but something she could become too motherly and overbearing, and tonight all he really wanted was to be alone. With himself and his dark thoughts.

The relationship with his father had greatly been improved in the weeks and months since the fire, and Logan knew that John was just as worried about him as Derek was, that Michelle looked scared sometimes when she looked at him, but he couldn't get out of it. And sometimes he was even worried himself, worried that things might never look bright again.

His laptop clicked with the sound of a new message on his Skype account and Logan blinked at the screen in slight confusion, but the words were clear enough.  
'I'm going to call you right now and you better accept it!', written in capital letters and he could almost hear his voice snapping at him when he read it, and his throat went dry and his fingers gripped the arm rest in the sudden panic growing in his stomach.

They had written each other often enough since the smaller boy was able to take control over a laptop without getting a headache every five minutes, but they had rarely talked, mostly because Logan had always busied himself at school with everything he could find a as a distraction from life, and the time distance between Ohio and California had made it difficult for the actor to catch him not sleeping for once when he had had time.

Apparently that was different now, of course also related to the fact that Logan was not at Dalton and had nothing to do, having had one sleepless night already in the city that never slept, and he was sure that he was looking forward to having another one. He didn't like it himself, but sleep hadn't come easy to him since the fire, it was either no sleep at all or horrible nightmares, and though he already hated the look in Dereks eyes when the other boy stumbled into his dorm after another scream had ripped from Logans lungs, it was harder to imagine how his father or Michelle would react to the same scenario.

The laptop rang with an incoming call and Logan pressed accept without thinking about it, he wanted to hear his friends voice just as much as he would rather pretend no one existed anymore.  
"Why aren't you at Prom? Hell, why aren't you at Dalton?", he could see that Julian was propped up against some pillows in his bed in his mothers home, and though the camera couldn't give him enough credit, he looked better than the last time Logan and Derek had talked with him, healthier, maybe even a little happier. And of course slightly angry right now.

"I`m tired. Tired of so many things that I honestly lost count.", the blond Stuart prefect didn't know if it truly was the tiredness in his bones and soul that let him be this honest, or if it was the old familiarity of his best friends voice that took the strength of pretending from him, either way, Logan looked at the screen and saw Julian frowning.

"Lo... is something wrong?", his voice instantly turned worrying and Logan sighed, he couldn't evoke any other emotion in people anymore. His face pale, his skin so pale, his eyes so empty, with the dark bags under them, the lack of a smirk or a smile, the hollowness of his voice.  
"We are scattered over three different states on the most magical day in Daltons school year, of course something is wrong.", even the bitterness and the snark in his voice lacked the usual strength and power behind them, he was slowly fading.

"You know I would have been there if I could have.", Julian offered with a sad smile and Logan returned it for a second  
"It's not because of you.", Logan looked out over the city again, a grim and bitter laugh escaping his lips, "Hate to break it to you, Jules, but the world still doesn't rotate around only you...", he made a pause, blinked at the lights from the house across from his fathers, Misses Rothams twins were jumping on their beds and he was waiting for her to storm in and scold them for half an hour already, and he wondered when he had last felt so free, "I'm so close to giving up, Julian. I can't do this anymore, it feels as if the world is working against me every single minute of every single day."

Feeling my way through the darkness  
Guided by a beating heart  
I can't tell where the journey will end  
But I know where to start  
They tell me I'm too young to understand  
They say I'm caught up in a dream  
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes  
Well that's fine by me 

"I know that, Lo, trust me... I know that, but we have to fight against it. We can't just give up.", Julian was pleading in a voice that understood exactly where his pain was coming from, they had never been closer than in these days with the distance between being as great as it hadn't been for quite a while.

"Sometimes it feels so easy. So easy to just run... I'm beginning to understand why you did it all these times. It is so tempting.", closing his eyes Logan dragged a hand over his face and so he didn't see how Julian's eyebrows furrowed into a deeper frown, and with an even quieter voice he continued, "So tempting to just turn around, run away and never look back. To just leave it all behind, hoping that one day it'll be a faded memory... I've talked to my Dad, you know.", green eyes dared a glance at the laptop again, finding sepia ones so easily, overlooking the worry in them quite on purpose, "Talked to him about transferring schools, come back to New York for Senior year."

"You want to leave Dalton?", Julian gasped, and Logan turned his head around againt to look at his face on the computer screen, and he held the gaze of sepia ones, even when it hurt, even when he could see the longing in Julian building to forcefully pull himself away from so much pain, "Lo, no... don't.", barely a whisper, but Logan still heard him as clear as possible.

So wake me up when it's all over  
When I'm wiser and I'm older  
All this time I was finding myself, and I  
Didn't know I was lost 

"What's holding me back? All this school ever gave me was pain.", it wasn't wrong, Logan hadn't been through as many emotional up and downs since he had started at Dalton, but nothing felt this bottomless, nothing had felt this hopeless.  
"What about us? What about Derek and me? Didn't Dalton give you us? Friends?", Julian argued with a strength in his voice and words that Logan hadn't heard from him in a long time, L.A. was good to him, and that thought alone had his whole body slumping into itself even more, nothing he did would ever be good enough again.

"Sometimes I think it would have been better for you if I had never come to Dalton.", Logan confessed with a truly bitter taste in his mouth, how many times he had already thought about it, how many times had he laid awake at night and imagined a world where Derek and Julian had never met him and had been able to find happiness without him destroying them every single week from anew.

So wake me up when it's all over  
When I'm wiser and I'm older  
All this time I was finding myself, and I  
Didn't know I was lost 

A moment of silence ruled between them, Logan kept staring at the dark street below him, he felt numb, and for the first time it wasn't because of any medication, there was just nothing left in him anymore, he was nothing but a shell, too drained and tired to feel anything but the void in his heart and soul. Julian on the other hand kept his eyes on him, trying to find any sign of feelings in green eyes, but the passion, the fire, it was gone, replaced by endless pain and despair, and he wondered who had gotten out of the fire more damaged, him with the physical pain, or Logan with the emotional one.  
"I want nothing more than just... be right there with you... be there for you. I hate to see you like this, Logan.", the blond boy had to close his eyes when the burning sensation threatened to overwhelm him, nothing was changed, he still brought more pain and hurt to others than peace to his own heart.

And not for the first time, Logan was left wondering why they still stuck around, why they hadn't left him and walked on without a look back, just like everyone else had done it with him. Why were they still taking the beating when the chance was so easy to finally get rid of him... And why was he so selfish to still hold onto them, to keep his fingers clawed into their very beings to keep himself over the egde of the water, to keep himself from drowning in his own hopelessness...

"I miss you so much.", his voice was breaking, and he blinked the first tears away, "I just miss you so much, and you have no idea how much. Every single fucking day I wake up, and I think of you, about what you are doing, about how are feeling, what you are thinking about.", Logan took a shuddering breath, closing his eyes again as they hurt too much from keeping himself from crying, he didn't want to look weak, "And it hurts, because you`re not here with me anymore, you're not just down the corridor. It hurts because...", he had to pause to take another gasping breath, and the first tear slipped from his right eye, "It hurts because I can't be there for you... because I've never been there for you."

I tried carrying the weight of the world  
But I only have two hands  
Hope I get the chance to travel the world  
But I don't have any plans  
Wish that I could stay forever this young  
Not afraid to close my eyes  
Life's a game made for everyone  
And love is a prize 

"Lo..."

"For three fucking years I took you for granted, and I pushed you away time and time again, and I hurt you, just because something had me convinced nothing would ever take you away from me.", and through his tears he smiled, bitter, and heartbreaking, "I was a jerk. I was the bully I had run away from.", Julian wanted to protest, wanted to argue, to talk him out of it, but he was speechless, no argument on his lips, no encouragements, and he felt broken again. Logan was slipping out of his fingers more and more with every second ticking by and all he could do was watch on.

Who of them was losing more with this? Was it too cruel to beg Logan to promise him he would return? Too harsh to beg him to return so Julian wouldn't be scared of being alone again? To tell him that he missed him more with every breath he took, that he woke up screaming in the night for him to come back? To beg him to stay with him because every night he could see him dying right in front of him?

But he couldn't do it, he had never been selfish to begin with, and he knew Logan would do it, knew that Logan would throw everything away to make sure he was alright, and for the first time the actor wanted the singer to only think about himself, because everyone could see that Logan wasn't happy anymore, that he needed to find his way again, and Julian just hoped that when he did, his best friends would still be waiting behind the finish line,"Can you do me a favor?", he asked, trying himself at an encouraging smile when Logan glanced his way.

"Depends on what you are asking. I'm not quite in the mood for making a lot of promises right now.", he could easily see how Julian rolled his eyes in fondness, and it shot like a bullet through his heart to realize that he still cared about him, that Julian still wanted him to be happy, after everything he had done.  
"How is the sky in New York? Cloudy? Clear?", leaning a bit forward, Logan threw a quick look up towards the black carpet of sky over New York.

"It looks quite clear to me.", he answered, not without some signs of confusion in his voice, he knew Julian was good at changing the subject, but that was even weird for him  
"Good. Switch off the light on the balcony and then lie back down again.", it came out exactly as ordering as Julian probably wanted to sound like, and Logans tongue was quicker than his instincts to listen to him.  
"You won't be able to see me properly.", but Logan still got up and walked over to the door again, reaching inside his bedroom to switch off the outer lights on the balcony, before carefully walking back to the deckchair.

"I can still see you just fine.", Julian answered him from the laptop, "Now, pull the chair just a little bit further away from the canopy, and then just lie down and look up.", Logan did just as Julian had told him to, too tired too fight anyway, "Do you see the stars?",and Julians voice turned quiet again, soft and warm in the silence of the night around him. It was late and the Upper East Side was far away enough from Manhattans ever blinding lights to give you a chance to see the night sky in its beauty, and Logan saw the stars, twinkling little lights, so far away, but oh so beautiful.

So wake me up when it's all over  
When I'm wiser and I'm older  
All this time I was finding myself, and I  
Didn't know I was lost 

Julian didn't need a verbal response to know that Logan would have answered in the affirmative - the look of wonder crossing over his face was enough, so Julian smiled, "When I was younger my father told me that all those stars, every single one of those tiny little twinkling lights stands for a dream building in our hearts and souls, that every time we start hoping for something, a star is born to guide us. That if we loose our way and think us in everlasting darkness, the night will shine all so brighter because our stars will light us the path back to who we are. And do you know how long a star lives? Millions of years, longer than any human will ever live, those stars will still stand for our dreams and hopes, still light us the way long after we've died."

"Even if you give up on something, they will still shine down upon you, waiting for the moment where you find your way back home to yourself. They don't forget, and so we shouldn't either. I know it can be tough, painful, and giving up and running away always seems easier, but Lo, it really isn't.", green eyes turned to look at him again, and with just that little aching in his chest, Julian could see that Logan was crying again, "It hurts, it hurts more than fighting ever could... Did you know that you cannot count them? The stars? That the more you concentrate, the more stars you can see? Do you know what it means?"

"That for every dream I pass, another comes to life."

So wake me up when it's all over  
When I'm wiser and I'm older  
All this time I was finding myself, and I  
I didn't know I was lost 

"Do you still want to leave?", but Julians question remained verbally unanswered, because he would look at Logan and watch him stare up into the stars, and though he staid silent, the words were written all over his face.

I didn't know I was lost  
I didn't know I was lost  
I didn't know I was lost  
I didn't know. 

 

"You have one hour to bring your things into your room and figure out logistics with your roommates until you come back here. One hour sharp!", the eager and grinning faces of the new Stuart freshmen almost make him sick and Julian has to physically restrain himself from snorting or rolling his eyes from where he is sitting cross legged on one of the couches in the Stuart common room, watching Derek standing in the middle of the group of new students.

Arms crossed. Body tense. Back rigidly straight. He looked more like a general than a simple prefect, but it changes the second the boys scatter off to find their rooms and their families, he pushes a hand over his face, the whole authority draining from his body as he turns around to look at him.  
"I have half a mind to sneak off to Columbus tonight.", and Julian would find himself laughing out loud as Derek falls face first onto the other couch in the room, and he would pull out his phone to text Casey that it might be a good idea to come over earlier than eight. 

New start. Senior Year. And someday it would be alright again.


	8. A small proposal

"Lo, I really love you, but this starting to annoy me. I can`t do this much longer.", Logan rolled his eyes, deciding to block out Julians whining, it everything went after plan than he would have forgotten everything about the stupid uphill walk by the time they had reached the top. Tapping his fingers against the pocket of his jacket again, he could fell his heart skipping another beat. It took another ten minutes and Julian slowly turning really unnerved for them to reach the top of the hill, and just as expected every whining accusation stopped in the actors mouth, when his eyes fell over the incredible view of the city, when his mind caught up with the memories of that one blazing summer night five years ago. Logan smiled, relished in the way, Julians eyes were lost in the past, twinkling with the lights of the city reflected back in them. This was a moment like no other. It was perfect.  
"Jules.", he whispered, staying just that two feet away with complete purpose, Julian quietly hummed in response, too transfixed by the moment, "Julian, turn around."  
"Why?", his plea was answered in another whisper, Logan felt his heart start the marathon.  
"Just do it... for me.", Julian had a hard time pulling himself away from the offered view, the night was beautiful, so clear, so fresh, so brilliant. The stars were beaming against the city lights, it was so close and so far away at the same time, so he took a deep breath and turned around, just as Logan took another deep breath. And it was a fairytale moment, their eyes met, green waiting for brown to find it, and the actor froze, while the singer smiled.  
"Will you marry me?", and Julian stared down at Logan, down at the blue velvet box with the silver ring, the small and delicate silver band with the blinding small diamond. And Logan on one knee. And so much hope in those green eyes, and his heart was crushing against his rips, and the water was flooding his vision, because this was probably the most perfect moment in his entire life so far.  
"Yes...", he choked, one hand coming up to wipe at his eyes, "Yes, of course I will marry you.", Logan started grinning, standing up again and reaching for his hands, both of them were shaking, and it took him two tries before Logan finally slipped the ring onto Julians left ring finger. He took his face into his hands after that, wiping some tears of joy away with his thumbs.  
"I love you so much.", Julian gave no answer, just crashed his lips to Logans, throwing his arms around the other mans neck. And to the music playing in their heads, Logan started to sway them around, the city living on beneath their feet, and the diamond on Julians hands glinting under the stars.


	9. Without you

I can't win, I can't reign  
I will never win this game  
Without you, without you  
I am lost, I am vain,  
I will never be the same  
Without you, without you  
The call is five minutes in the past and Julian is still standing on the veranda of the Wrights mansion on the upper East Side, the traffic is passing by and even here he can still hear the buzz of Manhattan just a quick trip away. It`s almost evening, the sun is still setting early on this late spring day. The weather had been beautiful, the sun shining down at them from a cloudless sky and it had almost been too good a day to spend smiling at investors and campaign helpers, but John had wanted their support and whether Logan nor Julian had wanted to deprive him of this. He had done so much for them, had created a path for them when it looked like there would never be one, and if one afternoon of smiling and chatting amicably with a crowd of snobs would make them even in his eyes, who was Julian to disagree. Especially after he had seen how happy Michelle was upon seeing them, the actor was already debating on the inside how to rid her of little Johnny again before they went home.  
It would probably take some trys, Logan had looked quite flubbergasted as his stepmother had all but snapped at him, when he had politely offered to take his son back so she could make a round or two with his father on the dancefloor. And then both their phones had gone off, and Logan had excused himself to his fathers study, while Julian had hurried to the veranda, it had been a busy time for them in the last weeks. Julian had read through several offered scripts to find a movie that held his interest and motivation long enough to be worth the time away from his son, it was his first role after his little parental break after all, and it needed to be something great to surpass missing his baby boy. And as for his husband, Logan had worked his ass off supporting his father while the senator had campaigned and fought for Washington, while at the same time pushing his own career and he had pulled himself thin and thinner between the office and his family at home, and there was no day that had passed where Julian did not admire him for his strength.  
I won't run, I won't fly  
I will never make it by  
Without you, without you  
I can't rest, I can't fight  
All I need is you and I,  
Without you, without you

Now, New Yorks still ruling senator was the Democratic parties candidate and Julian hoped that his husband would turn to concentrate on his own dreams again, after all, there was a seat empty in his hometown. And his own fingers had kept on twitching, even though none of the scripts had peaked his interest for more than a fleeting moment, but this... this was gold. This was a dream coming true, so many wishes fulfilled, and while still pocketing his phone, Julian hurried back into the house, because there was only one person who had earned it to be the first to know. With experienced feet, he turned and twisted around corners, avoiding the majority of the still lingering guests, and then he slipped into the halfway open study of Logans father.  
Half his mind is already calculating all calls he might have to make, all possible paperwork filing itself in his mind, appointments that might be needed to be done. The other part is racing over possible words, on how to explain this to his soulmate, how to explain that they might want to move halfway around the world in two days, because Julian had the chance to play a leading role in one of the biggest movies the future had in store. Would Johnny be able to attend a kindergarten in New Zealand? How easy would it be to find a house? He was almost buzzing with happiness and excitement, he had dreamed of this since he had been but a little boy, his father sitting on the edge of his bed and reading aloud about misty mountains and golden treasure, dragons and battles.  
But everything comes to a screeching stop as sepia brown eyes caught sight of his husband leaning against his fathers liquor cabinet, one hand still clutching his phone, the other pushed against the cabinet to keep himself on his feet. A thousand scenarios are racing through Julians mind all at once, he had experienced too many things in his young life not to become alarmed by this shellshocked expression on his loves face, but their friends are all still in the house, their family, no one could have been hurt, could they?  
"Lo?", he almost regrets his terrified voice as green eyes snap around to him and Logan twists so quickly into protective father mode that he feels ashamed. Logan had changed a great deal after the fire, gone had been the angry boy with the dangerous temper, replaced with a side of the prefect no one aside from his two best friends had until come to see. There had not a day gone by after he had returned to Dalton, that Julian had not sought out Logans presence, when the shadows had threatened to take him again. Without much words, Logan had been there, had put and thrown everything aside, when Julian had needed him, whether it be a nightmare or a panic attack. The blond had turned his entire life around and even Derek had been left blinking at the sudden turn of character, even though it was nothing new, it had always been there, hidden behind anger and pills.  
And after they had graduated and Logan had gone to NYU, he had still supported every single one of his boyfriends, and later fiances decision, and Julian had been more than grateful, every decision had been discussed between them. And even after their marriage and him joining his fathers office, Logan had always shifted things around long enough so that Julian would be able to live his dream to the fullest, he had always made sacrifices.  
"Jules?", green eyes were looking at him with worry, so that Julian shook himself and smiled at him, assuring him with a single look that everything was indeed alright, better even, Logan smiled, and then they both talked at the same time.  
"Julian, we need to talk, there..."  
"Lo, I just got off the phone with..."  
And they stopped and, later Julian would write it off to the shock in Logans system, it was Julian who offered Logan to go first, for once getting to come first in stepping back, and not Logan keeping silent and listening to his every word, instead he watched as Logan came forward, stepping close enough that he could take his hands without straining his arms. And with raised puzzlement, Julian took note that Logan looked nervous and were his hands shaking?  
"I just got off the phone with Simon Davis.", Julian recalled the man to be one of the leading men in New Yorks Democratic party and Logans advisor from college, "He just came back from the meeting, where they officially announced my fathers nomination.", Julian nodded, he had long ago understood the mechanics of the political system, "He talked to some other members of the board, and they...", he took a deep breath and somehow Julian had known that his next words would change their life, "He wants me to candidate for the senators seat next year.", he doesn`t have words, when Logan had finished, doesn`t know how to put his pride and happiness into words, so he pulls Logan even closer and crashes their lips together.  
And it was only when they broke apart that Julian realized what it meant, that Logan wanting to step into his fathers shoes earlier than expected meant that they would never be able to move to Wellington in the next year. A states senator could not live halfway around the world, and there was no way, he would leave his family behind or force Logan away from his son. But the decision is made before his mind can even come up with the question, for nine years, Logan had lived to make his life easier, for nine years Logan had quite single handedly pushed every obstable in his life out of the way so Julian could live his dream. Could have the career he had wanted, it was long overdue that Julian paid him some of it back. He knew they wouldn`t wait, that they would fine someone else for the role, dead lines were set, shedules had to be kept, but there would be other roles, but Logans times was now. His star was rising now, and there was only one senators seat in New York.  
"What was your news?", Logans voice pulled him back to the study, and Julian smiled at him and kissed him again, taking both his hands again and squeezing.  
"It`s not important. It can wait.", they would talk about it later, and as expected Logan would try and talk him out of not taking the role, promising him to make things possible for them, but for once Julian would stand his ground and would win, "I`m so proud of you. First gay senator of New York. This city will change with you."  
"I haven`t even won yet, Jules.", Logan protested, but Julian grinned up at him, as always he has to lean up on his toes to place a chaste kiss upon Logans nose.  
"For me you have. Come on, let`s find John and Michelle, you need to tell them.", and he was already pulling away to drag Logan from the room, but his stronger and taller husband frowned and pulled him back.  
"Don`t you want to talk about this? Julian, our lives will completely change if I take this offer...", but Julian doesn`t let him really finish, pressed his hand upon Logans mouth and smiled again, there are no parts in him protesting, nothing is crying over missed chances.  
"There is nothing we need to talk about. This is the one chance you have been dreaming about since we left Dalton. To prove this country what you are capable of. To show them that we are as strong as they are. Logan, you need to take this chance, and I`ll be with you every step of the way.", and Logan crushes him to his chest and wraps his arms around his waist, and that kiss is surely not appropriate for your father in laws study and nomination party, and Julians quite sure that it could have been much worse than just an overly disgusted sixteen year old Amanda catching them with Logans hands under Julians shirt.  
I can't erase, so I'll take blame  
But I can't accept that we're estranged  
Without you, without you  
I can't quit now, this can't be right  
I can't take one more sleepless night  
Without you, without you

I won't soar, I won't climb  
If you're not here, I'm paralyzed  
Without you, without you  
I can't look, I'm so blind  
I lost my heart, I lost my mind  
Without you, without you  
And then, fifteen months later, as he is standing with little Johnny on his hip and Michelle dabbing at her tears at his side, in the middle of that stage, with thousands of people cheering and screaming, applauding and smiling, he knows he made the right decision. They are not screaming for him, and it`s not for him that old and young, rich and poor, women and men, children perched upon the shoulders of their parents came together on this day, in the middle of Times Square. He can see Derek holding onto both his daughters, while his wife is smiling up at them, and both Brightman twins are grinning brightly as ever, and Marcus Holland is leaning down to pull his own son into his arms so that Daniel might see more. They are all that has been left of Dalton, too many friendships broken, too many dreams forcing them apart, but it counts what lasted in the end, and Julian would have shared this day with no one else than the people he called family.  
Strong hands fell upon his shoulders as the crowd went even more crazy as their hero finally stepped onto the stage, he looks his best, but Julian had not spent five hours fussing over him for nothing, but he also knows that his best accessoire today is the lovesick smile he gets when he looks their way.  
"You can be proud of him. He changed the country today.", Johns voice is smooth, there is no hard edge left, so underlying accusations and insults that Julian had come to know during his earlier years at Dalton, and he smiled and nods without taking his eyes off of Logan, who waved into the crowd as he stepped towards the microphone.  
"I am. Undeniably so. I`ll always be proud of him.", he answered at last, quickly looking up into blue eyes, when John smiled and pushed his arm around his wife, and his and the countries First Lady tried to overrule her teary eyes with a wide smile. And then Logan is starting his speech and Julian knows their life will change, that it may as well be impossible now that he can take a new movie role in the next two years, Logan will need him, to be strong for him, to be at his side, to love him, and to make sure that with all the support towards him, Logan would not forget his own dreams. It was worth it, throwing away the biggest movie of his life so far, because this was the biggest role his life would ever get, and the biggest role he ever wanted to play with all his heart and soul. He was a husband and father, and no movie would ever be able to rip him away from his family.  
I am lost, I am vain,  
I will never be the same  
Without you, without you  
Without you


End file.
